Dear St. Rita Parishioners,
Friendship is one of those things that most people take for granted. At least, most people never think about friendship in a rational and ordered sort of way. We (rightly) say that friendship makes life bearable, and that even if we had all other goods in life, without friendship, we wouldn’t really be happy. Not having friends is a great tragedy, and parents go to great lengths to ensure that their children socialize and are able to make friends. On the adult side of things, studies show that the loneliest men are men in their 40s *without* friends. The point is that friends are important, but this is not a mere sociological reality. God has made us for union with Him, and Christ Himself puts that union in terms of friendship.
“No longer do I call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have shared with you everything I have heard from my Father” (John 15:15). If we are called to friendship with God, it is good to ponder deeply the nature of friendship. Because grace builds upon nature, the capacity for friendship with God is greatly assisted by our capacity for real friendship with others. In addition, real friendship can spur on our relationship with God, and, of course, we must not forget that greatest of human friendships – marriage.
You may (or may not) be surprised to know that Aristotle provides a startlingly helpful treatise on friendship in his Nichomachean Ethics. Although he is writing more than 300 years before Christ, his approach is remarkably useful for us now. He situates friendship, first, in a treatise on ethics, which may not have been the first place we expected to find it. Friendship, he says, is not possible without virtue, and relationships that we call friendships between people who are not virtuous may attain to some aspect of friendship, but are missing some essential properties.
Aristotle approaches friendship, however, not to wag his finger at people whose friendships are “insufficient” or something along those lines, but with a refreshing curiosity. He notices that friendship is important, even necessary, for pleasant human existence, and he wants to know more about it. So, what does it mean not just to have friends, but to be capable of friendship? Aristotle’s classic distinction of friendship into three types is helpful: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and true friendship. These first two types of friendship are NOT bad, in Aristotle’s mind. They are simply de facto types of friendships, and we all have them. That they do not attain to true friendship is likewise not necessarily bad, since it would be impossible for us to have a true friendship with everyone. In addition, not everyone has the ability to enter into a true friendship. This point is key.
But first, friendships that benefit on a more superficial (but still necessary) level, are not bad – we need business/co-worker/fellow citizen relationships (friendships of utility) as well as relationships with those who share our interests and desires (friendships of pleasure). And, while I have good will and (hopefully) charity towards these people, I am not sharing the whole of my life with them in a deep and lasting way.
But, with whom *ought* I to share the whole of my life in a deep and lasting way? Indeed, am I a person with whom someone else can share the whole of their life in a deep and lasting way? This mutual sharing for the sake of the other requires, Aristotle says, virtue. And, hopefully that is fairly self-evident, given what we have said. Very naturally, I am going to be reticent to share the whole of my life with someone who has manifest problems or vices. Do I have manifest problems or vices? Things which keep me from being trustworthy enough to be a friend to another? These questions are important, and while no one of us has perfect virtue, to compare ourselves to an external, unwavering, and objective standard of virtue is to call ourselves continually to grow in excellence.
For the Christian, the objective standard of virtue is a Person, Jesus Christ. He, indeed, is the One who still shares everything with us (or at least to the childlike and humble, as opposed to the wise and the learned – cf. Mt 11:25-27) despite our imperfections. He does so not to make us complacent, but to continue to call us to Himself, to Him who is Divine Charity. This call is precisely because He knows it will make us happy! (Interestingly, Aristotle begins his Nichomachean Ethics with the observation that we all want to be happy, and he concludes that the path to happiness is virtue – excellence!) Christ, then, models true friendship to us, even though we have failed often over the course of our lives. He has taken our failures to the Cross and conquered them with Love and Forgiveness.
The true friend, Aristotle says, wishes his friend to be and to live (for his own sake), spends time with his friend, shares in the sorrows and joys of his friend, and chooses the same things as his friend. The qualifier “for his own sake” – for the sake of the other – is what makes it impossible to do these things without virtue. Therefore, we must seek both to be virtuous and to find (and form) virtuous people. We can identify some of the friendships of utility and pleasure that we have naturally formed as possible to become true friendships. If you are married, your spouse is the place the start. If you are not (yet) married, ensure that your beloved is able to be a true friend. Living life together demands more than utility and pleasure – it demands real love and virtue.
If you are totally confused and unsure where to begin, begin with Jesus. He is the only one who can deal will all of your imperfections and failures, large or small. He will not only tell you what true friendship is, He will show you what true friendship is, and in that way, you will grow in virtue and your ability to befriend and to be befriended. This is a sure path to happiness – of which you receive a taste in this life, and the fullness in the next!
In Christ,
Fr. Christensen